Its been 1 week since my sweet Lupe earned her wings. Its been so hard without her, the grief and sadness comes in waves but I know that is normal. I’ve been trying to summon the strength to blog about last Thursday and today I figured was as good as any, so here goes…
Thursday morning at around 5:30 I heard her get up and take a big drink, but then she threw up. I took her outside and she just lied down in the grass. So I got ready as quickly as possible to take her to the ER. As we were leaving, we saw our normal morning walking pals Yodi and her mom (I don’t know Yodi’s Mom’s name). We hadn’t seen them since before Lupe’s surgery and I was glad they stopped over to say hello. Lupe stood up, circled and then pooped! This was the first time she pooped since the day before surgery when Yodi came by to say hello. It was like Yodi was good luck for Lupe pooping.
I drove as quickly up to the ER as I could. I had to carry her in, she had no strength to walk. The vet ran a quick blood panel on her and her kidney and liver levels were on the rise but more disturbing is that she was severely aenemic. He didn’t think it was the surgery as there was no signs of internal bleeding or infection, in fact, the incision was healing beautifully. He told me she would need a blood transfusion and that maybe that would get her over the hump. He went to go check on her and look at her records a little more, basically it was a transfusion or let her go. I called my brother, my cousin and a dear friend to talk through things. I couldn’t get a hold of my father. The choice was pretty clear, everything I had done to that point was to give her a shot at beating the cancer, the surgery, the fluids, the meds…a transfusion would be for me to help me delay the inevitable.
The ER vet came back a few minutes later and said after looking at the pathology and seeing the type of tumor she had and the extent that it had invaded her vascular and lymphatic systems the anemia was a sign of the cancer attacking her bone marrow. A tranfusion would help her for a couple of days but it wouldn’t help her out past that. I waited for Dr. Z to come in so I could talk to her, which was only about 20 minutes. She was so upset but agreed with the ER vet and then my decision to let Lupe go. I had the staff go get Lupe’s blanket from the car so that she could be on a familiar surface that smelled of her and me. Dr. Z and I were both with Lupe and held her, spoke to her, and pet her while she slipped away. The vet was crying with me and told me that Lupe was such a sweet soul and fought so hard. I picked her up to give her one last hug and the little stink peed all over me! I realize that’s a natural reaction but ironically she did that the first time I ever picked her up.
I left the vet and instinctively drove to NH to see my cousin. I knew I couldn’t go home without her being there and there was no way I was going to be able to be productive at work. I called my brother to let her know she was gone and we cried together. I spent the day surrounded by my cousin, 2 nieces and infant nephew, dreading the drive home to an empty apartment. When I did get home, I pulled up the mats, threw out all the food in the fridge (my attempts to get her to eat anything possible) and sat dazed at what had transpired. Scared to sleep and scared to be awake without her…my best friend and companion of almost 15 years was gone.
A week later and a day doesn’t go by where I don’t feel her presence, where thinking of her doesn’t make me cry or smile, where I don’t miss giving her belly rubs or scratches. Trying to find my new sense of normal and it just sucks. I picked up her ashes on Tuesday and I don’t know what to with them. So the cedar box is in a sealed white cardboard box sitting on her favorite bed…for now that is where they will stay. She is up on her daycare’s website which is sweet but its strange to see her there… http://thedogscoop.com/index.php?p=55
As I said, the surgery was a chance for her to have the cancer removed and live out her lifespan with no pain. Anything past that would have been for me and it wasn’t fair to her. I miss her more than words can express but I know she is with my Mom and Grandma, getting all the love, scratches and table scraps possible.
